You Are
by girlinterrupted22
Summary: Bridget has a secret that she is unable to share, even with her three best friends. When she finally does share it, what will be the conquences in the aftermath? Rated T for some adult situations. Set appx. two years after Book Four. Bridget's P.O.V.
1. Notice Me

You Are-Chapter One

I leaned against the soiled kitchen counter, watching my three best friends go about their morning business. Tibby was rummaging through her messenger bag, trying to find some particular tape she need for her film class. Lena was spreading cream cheese onto a bagel fresh out of the toaster, and Carmen had her head stuck in the fridge. I had someplace to be too, an early morning class, but going to class and having a normal life wasn't something that I found interesting that morning.

Carmen pulled a six pack of yogurt out of the drawer in the bottom of the fridge. "You want some, Bee?"

I shook my head. I wanted to say the words, I really did. But when I opened my mouth, nothing would come out. Everybody was too busy preparing for their day to notice me in the corner of our crowded little apartment. Part of me wanted them to notice me; part of me wanted them to ask me…and part of me didn't.

Tibby ran out the door, hollering goodbye as she went. I was watched as Carmen stuffed a mouthful of yogurt into her mouth and grabbed her car keys off the hook. "Bee, shouldn't you be getting ready for class?" she asked.

I shook my head, content to watch my friends go about ordinary life without saying a word.

"See you later then," Carmen said, flashing me a puzzled look as she went out the door.

Lena put her knife in the dishwasher and placed her bagel onto a plate. She crossed over to the kitchen and leaned on the kitchen counter beside me. "Are you okay, Bridget?"

It was the question I had been waiting for, precisely the thing that I had been wanting one of my friends to ask. Yet, when it came out of her mouth, I could only stare at her blankly.

"Bee? Are you all right?" she repeated.

I wanted to say it, I wanted to spit it out and tell her everything. But when I opened my mouth, all that came out was, "I'm just not feeling well." It was at least part of the truth. Even as I said it, I felt my stomach turn, and I knew that I was going to throw up.

"You don't look," Lena started, but she didn't get to finish her sentence before I turned around and ran for the bathroom.

I heard her plate clatter as she ran after me. "Bee? What's wrong?"

I was on my knees in front of the toilet, my empty stomach heaving, before she caught up with me. I dry heaved for quite some time while Lena held my hair back with one hand, rubbing my back with the other. I was finally able to pull away from the toilet, and I leaned back against the cool tile wall.

"What's going on?"

I could hear it in my head, the whispered voice, _"Ssh, Bee, it's just me."_

"Bee?"

_"It's just me."_

She grabbed a washcloth out of the cabinet and ran it under the faucet before placing it against my forehead.

_"Just me…"_

I didn't realize I was crying until the tears started dripping off my chin.

"Bee?" Lena grabbed my face and turned it to face her. "What's going on? What is _wrong?_"

I shook my head.

"Don't shake your head at me, it's not nothing."

I tried to push myself up off the floor, but my legs were still shaky and I sank back down. Lena sat beside me on the bathmat and laid my head in her lap, holding the washcloth to the back of my neck. "It's just a stomach flu or something," I managed to whisper.

"Are you sure?"

I struggled out from under her and forced myself to sit up. "It's fine, everything's fine."

She kept staring at me. Lena was the friend who knew me better than anyone I'd ever known, and I was lying directly to her face. I knew that she knew, and I'm pretty sure that she knew that I knew. But I couldn't say it. I couldn't get the words out without getting sick again. So I chose to say nothing at all.

"You sure?" she asked, after a couple of minutes.

"Yeah," I replied, getting to my feet. "I just want to spend the day in bed."

She stood up with me and helped me down the hall, keeping a hand on my arm to make sure I didn't fall. As I crawled into my bed, she asked, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

I shook my head. "That's okay."

"Let me know if you want to talk, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," I answered.

As she left the room, I pulled the blankets over my head and willed myself to disappear.


	2. The Panic Button

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror outside the living room and it was enough to bring me to a halt. I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for weeks. The bags under my eyes were probably big enough themselves to sleep in. My hair was long and stringy, piled on my head in a sloppy ponytail. I scrutinized everything; trying to figure it all out. There was so much I didn't understand, so much about it that wasn't fair.

_His arms came around me from behind and my drink fell to the floor._

I was drinking. I was the idiot who had been drinking. What happened was my own fault.

_"Ssh, Bee, it's just me." He turned me to him and raised a finger to my lips as a scream built in my throat. "Don't say a word."_

Lena, Carmen, and Tibby were in the living room preparing for our weekly movie night. I sank to the floor outside the living room and listened to them giggling as they tried to choose something to watch. I wanted to be with them, but I didn't. It was my place to be with them, as it had been for twenty one years. But part of me was completely removed from everything now, and I didn't have the strength to go to my friends and act like I was still the same Bee when I wasn't.

Lena appeared at the door to the living room. "Bee? You coming?"

I couldn't look at her. I couldn't meet her eyes, because I knew if I did, she would see me. She would know.

She squatted down in front of me. "Hello? You in there?" After a pause, she touched my cheek and tried to get me to look at her. "Bee?"

I finally met her eyes. I couldn't help it. The instant that we locked gazes, something inside of me broke. I could hear a howling, sobbing noise filling the space around me, and I pushed away from me and scrambled to my feet. Heaving sobs escaped my throat as I struggled to get away, get away before she knew the truth.

"Oh my god, Bee, talk to me." Lena reached for my arm, but I shrugged her off as I fought to keep breathing.

Tibby and Carmen came in to the hall, drawn by the noise. "Lena, what…" Tibby started before she saw me. "Bee?" She took a step towards me, Carmen close behind her, but I pulled away.

My eyes darted back and forth among the three of them and I found myself back away.

"Bee, talk to me. Please," Lena whispered.

I didn't feel my legs giving way, I didn't feel myself falling until I hit the floor. As I lay in a heap, the numbness I had been fighting give way and I let the real tears come. My three best friends in the world surrounded me and held me, just letting me cry.

"Oh, Bee," Lena cried, holding my head against her chest and stroking the back of my hair. "Bee, it's going to be okay."

I was crying so hard I wasn't breathing right. I pulled away from my friends to sit upright, trying to count backwards in my head, trying to stop the tears and get my breathing under control.

Tibby took my hands and got right in my face. "It's okay, Bee, look at me, focus on me. Take deep breaths."

My breath was coming in short gasps as I focused on Tibby's face. Lena rubbed my back and Carmen laid a hand on my shoulder.

"Come on, Bee," Tibby repeated, "you're having a panic attack, you need to breathe. Deep breaths. Like this," she said, demonstrating.

I locked on to her face and mimicked her, struggling to take in a deep breath and hold it a second before letting it out again.

"There you go, honey," Carmen said, "you're doing great."

I looked at Tibby again and she nodded.

As my breathing slowed to normal, Lena pulled me back against her chest. I could feel her rocking back and forth slowly. "Bee, talk to us," she said, barely audible. "Let us help you; tell us what's wrong. Please, Bee."

Tibby had scooted closer to Lena and was still holding my hands, Carmen right beside her. "Let us help you, Bee. Let us be there for you."

I stared at the floor, willing words to come out of my mouth, but nothing was there.

"Bee…" Lena's voice trailed off, "…you're really scaring me."

"Please talk to us, Bee, please," Carmen pleaded.

The right words were suddenly there. And I began to talk.


	3. The First Reveal

"Do you guys remember that party we went to a couple months ago?" I asked. "The one where there were like, half a zillion people there?"

My friends slowly nodded.

I leaned against the hallway wall, trying to gather all of the thoughts in my head. "I think I had a lot to drink," I whispered.

"I think we all did," Carmen replied. "It's not really anything to be ashamed of."

"My head was hurting and it was so loud…" My voice trailed off and I lost track of what I wanted to say.

Lena was still squeezing my hand. "It's okay, Bee," she murmured. "You can talk to us."

"I just wanted to lay down for a while, so I went upstairs and was looking for an empty room…" I felt the tears flowing down my cheeks again as my breath caught in my throat.

"_Ssh…"_

I looked at my friends face, at the concern etched into their eyes, and I tried to hang on to them over the voice in my head.

"_Ssh, Bee, it's just me." _

I felt my stomach turn and I shot to my feet.

"Bee?" Lena said, grabbing my shoulder. "Stay here, talk to us, please."

"_Don't say a word."_

I shook my head, backing away from my friends even as they tried to reach for me. "No," I whispered.

"It's okay, Bee, you can talk to us. We're here for you, it's just us," Tibby said.

"_It's just me…"_

I pushed past Lena and ran down the hallway to the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me. I sank down on the mat in front of the toilet, my stomach heaving even though nothing was inside of me. The pounding on the door barely registered as I stuggled to hang on to reality, to just breathe.

I curled up in a ball and pressed my burning cheek against the tile floor. As the cold seeped in the sobs shook every inch of my body, and I let the memories overtake me.

"_Ssh, Bee, it's just me." He turned me to him and raised a finger to my lips as a scream built in my throat. "Don't say a word."_

_The room swayed as my body adjusted to the alcohol I'd consumed. When he pressed on my shoulder to push me to the bed, I tried to push him off, but I was too dizzy and found myself on my back. "No," I whispered. "Don't."_

_He straddled my body, holding me down with one hand, while taking a drink with the other. After setting the drink on the dresser, he leaned in close. Almost all of his weight rested on top of me, and I tried to force him off as he caressed my hair. I couldn't move. "Get off of me," I whispered, but I wasn't even sure that the words actually came out of my mouth. "No, stop."_

_His tongue found it's way into my mouth, forcing it open to him even as I tried to clench it shut. I started to cry, and he slapped me so fast that I didn't have time to move my head. "Shut up," he hissed. "Don't say a word, don't scream, nothing. Do you understand?" He pulled a knife out of his pants pocket and held it to my throat. I was afraid to answer._

_It was getting harder and harder to breathe as his hand found it's way down my pants, undoing the snap. "Don't move," he said, sitting up to remove his belt and slide off his own pants._

_I found myself floating above as I watched the rest, almost in slow motion. _

The pounding on the bathroom door ceased, and I heard the whispers and scramblings of my friends in the hallway. "Bee?" Lena called. "Open the door, Bee, please, you're scaring me."

I couldn't answer. I couldn't move. All I could do was lay on the floor, my knees clutched to my chest.

"You guys," I heard Lena say, "go find something to take the door off. We have to get her out of there."

"Maybe we shouldn't," Carmen replied.

"No," Lena snapped, "she's our friend, we need to get her out."

I heard cabinets in the next room opening and shutting, and without thinking, I found myself reaching up and unlocking the door. I sank back to the floor, my eyes glazing over, as Lena tried the door and pushed it open. She wrapped her arms around me. "Oh, Bee, sweetie."

Too tired to even cry, I leaned my head on her shoulder.

"I love you, Bee," she whispered. "Whatever it is, I'm there for you. We all are. We can make it okay again."

"You can't make it okay again, it's never going to be okay." I didn't recognize my own voice when it reached my ears.

Tibby and Carmen were back and leaning against the frame of the door.

"Bee, we're your friends," Tibby said. "We're your best friends. Let us help you."

I squeezed Lena's hand and focused on a stain in the floor tile. "I was raped," I said, barely audible. "I was raped…"


	4. The What If Factor

Tibby placed a cup of tea on the table in front of me, and plopped into the chair next to me. Lena and Carmen were across the table, watching me closely. I took a spoonful of sugar from the jar and stirred it into the tea. It was easier to spin my spoon around than to try and say the words that I was entirely sure how to say.

Carmen was the first to say anything. "Bee…I don't know what to say. I want to make you feel better, but I don't think I can."

I continued to play around with my spoon, watching the ripple effect flow across the top of my mug.

Lena reached across the table and gently removed the spoon from my hand, placing it on the table. "What can we do, Bee? 'Cause you know we'll do anything."

I picked up the mug and swished it around before taking a sip. The liquid scorched my tongue, but was a welcome break from the emotional pain I was feeling. "It's easier now just that you know," I whispered. "I don't have to act like everything's okay anymore, I don't have to try and hide it."

"That's a start, right?" Lena asked.

"I guess," I replied. "But…I don't know. I feel like I should try to do this on my own, you know? Like it's my problem…It hurts so…" My voice broke off, and I shook my head. "It hurts so much that I don't know if I can ever let you guys in the way I used to."

Carmen pushed her chair back and rose suddenly. "I'll be right back, okay?"

She disappeared down the hall, and reappeared a few minutes later with a pair of blue jeans in her hand. Depositing the jeans in my hands, she said, "Do you remember these?"

I looked down at the pants I held in my hands, running my fingers over the years worth of our writings and drawings. These were the traveling pants—the pants that fit our different shapes and sizes, the pants that had held us together for many summers apart, the pants that had disappeared in Greece to bring us back together, only to reappear and bring us together once again. Inscriptions covered the fabric, bringing back memories of Eric, Bailey, Kostos, and many others.

"Do you remember these?" Carmen repeated.

I nodded.

"These are the pants, Bee, these are the pants that gave us strength when times were hard, brought us together when we were apart, held us together when we thought our friendship wouldn't survive. These are the pants, Bee. They're more than pants." Carmen paused, taking a breath, and looked around the table at each of us. "They represent our friendship, and the fact that our friendship will never fall apart. It will never fail. We will always be there for each other. We will be there for you, Bee. We are there for you. You just have to accept that."

"I know."

"So let us be there, Bee. Let us help you," Lena whispered. "Tell us what you need, tell us how we can help."

"I don't know if you can," I answered. "I don't know if there's anything you can do." I put down my mug and began to pick at my fingernails.

Tibby gave me a hug. "That's what friendship is, hon, that's what we do for each other. No matter what."

"I guess," I said, scraping a piece of dirt from under my thumbnail. "I'm just scared."

"Of what?" Lena asked. "Him? He comes anywhere near you, we'll kick the crap out of him. He's not going to hurt you ever again, not with us around."

I shook my head. "It's not even that. I mean, that does scare me, but…"

"But what?"

"What if I'm pregnant?"


	5. Five Minutes

After everyone else left the next day, I sat down in the bathroom with the box. Flipping it over, I saw the 99 percent accurate claim printed in bold letters. "99 percent accurate," I whispered. "So you can tell me whether or not my life is over?"

I opened the box and removed the instructions. It seemed fairly simple. Pee on stick, wait five minutes, watch for the little pink line. One little pink line, that was all it would take.

I followed the instructions, and placed the test on the sink when I was finished. Checking the time on my watch, I zoned out on the picture above the toilet. _Five minutes. I was fairly young when mom died. If I am really pregnant…What would that mean for my child? Mom committed suicide due to depression. My depression is totally overwhelming. How can I be a mother to a child, to any child, especially one from this? How can a child come into the world from an act of violence that hurt me so badly? I'm not ready to be a mother yet. I don't know how to be. If I accept this child than I accept that I was raped…I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm so scared._

On the floor next to me were the traveling pants. Good times and bad, I had worn them so many times. It seemed juvenile to put them on now, but I got to my feet and did so. It couldn't hurt to have the added benefit of the pants, the boost of my connections to my friends, even when I wasn't able to let them in.

_Two minutes._

I checked the test. No line yet. "These are the pants," I whispered, tracing the stitching and the words carefully woven into the pants. "Pants equal love…right? Love your friends, and love yourself."

_I don't love myself. I blame myself. I can't get over it. Not alone. I need my friends, but I don't want them to see me like this. I don't know how to let them help me. I don't know how to let them see these feelings when I can't even explain what I'm feeling, and I'm feeling so much…I just…_

I shook my head, looked at my watch again. _One minute._ _Less than. _

Focusing on the picture above the toilet, I tried to remember how to breathe…I let my eyes drift downward towards the sink, and the test…and the pink line. It stood out, just there, just one line, but the most obvious thing to me in the entire room. I picked up the test and turned it over and over again, wishing that the pink line would disappear. But no matter how many times I turned the test around, the line was still there.

_It's a pink line. Oh. My. God. It's a pink line. I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a baby…a child…I didn't want this, I can't handle this, I don't know how to do this…I don't know what to do. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?_

I stared at the pink line, leaning on the sink and trying to catch up to my racing thoughts.

_How will this possibly work out? How will I accept it? What am I going to do?_

Cradling the test in one hand, I unlocked the bathroom door with the other. My friends were all standing across the hall from the bathroom door, waiting for me. The hand holding the test slipped behind my back as I said, "I thought you guys left?"

"Like we didn't know what you were doing?" Lena answered. "As if we would let you do it alone? This is friendship, Bee, you're wearing the pants, you remember how it works."

"We're your best friends, your sisters," Tibby added. "We're going to be here for you, whether you let us or not."

Mutely, I withdrew my hand from behind my back and held the test out to my friends.

Carmen picked it up first and studied it. "One pink line," she reported to the others.

Lena leaned over her shoulder, looked at the test, and looked at me. "What does that mean? That means pregnant, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay," Lena said, matter of factly.

"Okay?" I questioned.

"You'll take a second test, to make sure. And then we'll deal with it, Bee, no matter what the outcome." Lena said. "I promise you, we will all be here for you, and we will deal with this, together."

I let my friends draw me into a group hug, taking the few seconds in their embrace to temporarily forget everything that was scrambled inside my head. In that moment, it was just me and my friends, and that was enough.


	6. Dear Blank

"So…" I said, drumming my fingers on the arm of the chair.

Lena raised an eyebrow. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know…" my voice trailed off. "There's just way too much to think about."

"Well," she asked, "then what are you thinking about doing?"

"I'm avoiding thinking at this point, I guess."

"Bee, you need to think about it."

_Decisions. _I thought. _I totally don't want to do this. Not now, not ever._

"Lenny, I can't even take care of my plant," I said, gesturing at the pathetically wilted specimen on my desk. "You don't seriously think that I can take care of a child?"

"But you have to think about it, Bee. I mean, this is a life, and you need to prepare, you need to make plans."

"I can't right now," I answered, shaking my head. "I can't. You wouldn't understand."

"I can try though," she insisted, "and I can help."

I slammed my palm down on the desk and spun on her in one motion. "Not right now, Lena, not right now," I snapped.

Lena nodded and got up off the edge of the bed, shutting the door as she left the room.

_Great, now I alienate my friends._

I picked up my pen and began to write. Writing I could do. Writing was logical. Writing made sense.

Dear...Dear...Blank.

There are some things in life that are just wrong. I made a big mistake in putting myself in the position in which you were created. I can trace this back for ions...If I would never have left my father, if I would never have come here, if i would never have started dating him, if I wouldn't have been at that party...you wouldn't have been created. People hurt me, and I let them, and I never did anything to stop them. Now I'm this terrible horrible person who everybody hates, because I don't know how it's possible to keep you alive. I don't know if I can love you like you should be loved, if I can treat you the way that you deserve. Other people can say that some of these choices were made for me, but I had a say in some of them as well.

I'm not being callous, I'm not being unkind or cruel, there's just too many things that are against you right now for you to live in my life, if that makes any sense. It's just really hard...I know that doesn't mean anything to you right now, because you're all, like, hey, I want to

live...There's a total loss of control in my life right now.

My apologies don't make up for the pain that you might be suffering right now, I know that, and I could never know how you are feeling. It is not okay for me to wish for you to not be born, and I KNOW that...but part of me DOES wish that...Life is scary, life hurts...I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to help you at this point...I don't know what I am supposed to do, and I am SO confused...I am so flipping confused right now...I feel so overwhelmed, I just feel...guilty...and it's consuming me.

All my heart,

Your really really incredibly screwed up mother


	7. I Knew Him

I leaned back against the counter, facing off against Lena.

"I know that you don't want to hear this," she said. "But honestly, Bee, if you know who it was…"

"I don't want to report it," I finished for her. "I don't want anybody to know."

"Bridget, people are…"

"I don't want people to know," I interrupted. "I…can't."

"Bee, I'm sorry, but…people are going to notice."

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm done."

"Bridget…"

"Lena…" I mocked her.

Tibby bounded into the kitchen. "What's for breakfast?" she asked, opening the refrigerator door and pulling out the carton of orange juice.

Lena turned back to the stove without saying a word.

"Everything okay?" Tibby asked.

"It's fine," Lena answered, scooping the scrambled eggs out of the pan with her spatula and dumping them onto the plates she had waiting on the counter. "Here you go," she said, pushing a plate at Tibby.

"Thanks," Tibby replied, carrying the plate to the table.

"Bee," Lena asked, offering a plate to me as if our previous discussion had never happened.

"I don't want any," I snapped at her.

"You have to eat," she said gently.

"I don't have to do anything."

"Bee," Tibby said.

I turned around and walked down the hall. "I just want to be alone," I mumbled to no one in particular.

Sweat broke out across my forehead as I went down the hall, and I ducked into the bathroom and let the door slam shut behind me. Sinking to my knees on the rug, I clutched the sides of the toilet and let my stomach turn inside out. My insides heaved again and again, with hardly anything coming up.

When the retching subsided, I leaned back against the wall and rubbed my mouth with the back of my hand. The door cracked opened, and Tibby slipped inside. "You okay?"

I nodded, my eyes closing slightly as I tried to make the black spots go away.

"You sure?" she asked.

Shaking my head slightly, I was hit with another wave of nausea and found myself clutching at the sides of the toilet again.

"Oh, Bee," Tibby whispered, kneeling down beside me and holding my hair away from my face as I threw up again.

Lifting my head up, I leaned back against Tibby's shoulder. She rubbed my hair back off of my forehead with a wet washcloth before laying the cloth on the back of my neck.

"Thanks, Tibs," I crocked.

"Do you feel any better?" she asked hopefully.

"Not really," I managed. "I just don't feel good."

Lena appeared in the doorway with a pillow and a blanket. "I thought you might want these," she said, offering them through the door.

"You can come in," I said weakly.

Tibby put the pillow behind my head as Lena wrapped the blanket around my shoulders. "There you go," she said, rubbing my back in a very motherly way.

"This sucks," I whispered.

"I know," Lena answered.

"I can't do this," I added.

"Yes you can," Tibby insisted. "You can. We can."

I closed my eyes as I drew the blanket tighter around myself.

"We'll be fine," Lena whispered.

"Okay," I agreed absently as I drifted off into sleep.

OoooooooooooooooO

"Hi, Bridget. My name is Detective Benson."

"Hi," I answered quietly.

Lena gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

"I don't want to do this," my voice shook. "I never wanted to do this." I shook my head back and forth as I added, "I can't."

"Bee…" Lena whispered.

"I can't, Lenny," I protested. "I can't."

"Don't push her," Detective Benson said. "Whatever you can tell me, Bridget, whatever you want to tell me."

"Nothing happened," I insisted.

"Then why did you call me?" the detective asked.

"There…there was a party," I answered quietly.

"She was raped," Lena jumped in. "She was raped."

"She has to tell me, Lena," said the detective.

"I had a lot to drink," I whispered. "I wanted to lie down. I went upstairs…" I shook my head again. "I can't. I can't do this."

"Bridget, it's okay," Lena insisted. "I'm right here."

"Take it slowly," Detective Benson added.

I nodded slightly. "I wanted somewhere to lay down. I went into an empty room, and went over to the bed…and he came in." I dug my nails into Lena's hand so hard that I was positive I was drawing blood. "He told me…He said not to say anything. He pushed me down…"

Lena reached over to pull a Kleenex out of the box on the table and pressed it into my free hand. My fingers closed over it and balled into a fist. I hadn't even realized I was crying until I latched onto the Kleenex.

"He held a knife to my throat," I murmured, so quietly that I could barely hear myself. I could hear Lena's sharp intake of breath beside me. "He held a knife to me, and he told me not to scream as he pulled my pants down and…He raped me." Looking up so that I was meeting the detective's eyes, I said again, "He raped me."

"Did you know your assailant?" she asked.

I closed my eyes as I heard his voice again in my head.

_"Ssh, Bee, it's just me."_

"Bee?" Lena prodded.

_"It's just me."_

Lena shook my hand slightly while rubbing circles on my back with her other hand. "Stay here with me Bee," she whispered.

I looked over at Lena's face, focusing on her eyes as I struggled to stay present.

"Did you know him?" Detective Benson asked again.

I was locked into Lena's gaze for several more seconds before I answered, "Yes. Yes…I knew him."


	8. Falling

**a.n.-I'm taking some liberty here—Eric and Bee did not get together ever officially-Eric did not dump Kaya at first.**

"She seems nice," Lena commented as she came up behind me in the hallway.

I nodded, staring mutely out the window.

"She's making some phone calls," Lena continued, and then added, "but she might have some more questions for you."

Sitting down on the windowsill, I pushed the curtain aside so that I could glance out the window.

"Are you okay?"

I slipped away from her as she tried to embrace me and went back into the living room as Detective Benson closed her cell phone and put it back into her pocket. Lena trailed after me as the detective said, "We're going to bring him in for questioning, Bridget. We'll see what he has to say, and we'll go from there."

"Thank you, Detective Benson," I whispered, even though I wasn't really sure if I was thankful at all.

"Call me Olivia," she replied, pressing a business card into my hand. "You can call me if you have any more questions, or can think of anything else."

"All right."

Lena led Olivia to the door and let her out. I stood with my back to the door, staring into the blackness of the tv. As my knees grew shaky, I folded to the floor right where I was standing.

Dropping down on the floor in front of me, Lena took my hands in her and said gently, "Tell me, Bee. Tell me what happened between you."

I shook my hand rapidly. "I can't, Lenny."

"Bridget…You and Eric…and now…"

I tried to pull my hands away, but she wouldn't let me. "Lena…"

"Bee…"

I closed my eyes. "I grew up when I left him at soccer camp. I forgot him."

"You were always more grown up. You've been through a lot."

"He was my first. I don't know if I ever told you that."

Lena gave my hands an encouraging squeeze, not saying anything at all.

"He had Kaya, and I was going to come home and not need him…not need so much. And he started coming up here on the weekends a year or so later, talking to me, trying to get me to go out. I wasn't interested anymore, I wanted to…" My voice trailed off as tears once again found their way down my cheeks.

Lena's arms wrapped around me and drew me closer, and I leaned against her shoulder.

"I wanted to find myself before I was with him," I sobbed. "Before I was with anybody. And now I'm having a baby, Lena, and I just…I don't…"

"What happened?" she asked, gently guiding the conversation.

"He kept coming around," I answered. "All the time."

"I remember," Lena said.

"He got more and more aggressive. Even when I said I didn't want to see him, he was calling and writing and trying to drive up here all the time."

"Why didn't you say anything?" she asked as she reached up to brush my hair out of my eyes. "Why didn't you tell any of us?"

I shrugged uncertainly. "I didn't think…I didn't think anything would happen really." Leaning back against the couch, I rested my hands on my stomach and whispered, "That was my mistake, I guess."

"It's not your fault, Bee," Lena answered.

Shaking my head furiously, I said quietly, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Okay," Lena agreed easily, backing off. "I don't know…maybe a movie would take your mind off of it?"

I nodded, excepting the hand that Lena offered to get myself up off the floor and on to the couch.

OooooooooooooooO

Lena was whispering with Tibby and Carmen when I drifted into the kitchen later that evening.

"Hi, Bee," Carmen said, her head snapping up in an obvious attempt to alert the others to my sudden presence in the room.

"I know you're talking about me, guys. It's okay."

"You want something to eat?" Tibby offered. "We have…" Turning around, she grabbed a bowl off the counter, "…pasta."

"No thanks," I answered, shaking my head. "I'm really not feeling well. I'm tired."

"You have to eat, Bee," Carmen admonished.

My legs were shaky, and I dropped down into one of the kitchen chairs. "I am. A little. I'm just having trouble keeping stuff down."

"Do you want some soup?" Lena asked. "I could make you some. I think we have six or seven different flavors."

"That would be…nice," I attempted to smile. "Thanks."

Lena went immediately to the pantry and pulled out a can of soup, dumping it into a pot on the stovetop.

"Have you called your father yet, Bee?" Tibby questioned.

I shook my head sullenly. "What would he do? What's the point?"

Tibby shrugged hesitantly. "He's your dad. I don't know…I just thought…"

"I will call him," I replied, getting back up from the table. "I will. I just need a little bit more…time." To Lena, I said, "Just forget it, Lenny, I…I just want to go to bed."

She put the spoon down on the counter and wiped her hands on her pants. "Are you sure? You really should eat something."

Sighing deeply, I whispered, "I'm fine, guys. I promise."

Wavering slightly on my feet, I steadied myself against Tibby's hand on my elbow. "You sure about that?" Tibby asked.

I shook my head. "Not really," I murmured, right before the black spots started sliding across my vision.

"Maybe you should sit back down," Carmen said, concerned.

That was the last thing I heard before I collapsed to the floor.


	9. Welcome Back

When I opened my eyes, I had to blink against the harsh glare of the extremely well lit room.

"Hi, Bridget," I heard someone say.

I turned my head slightly to follow the sound of the voice.

"Do you know where you are?"

Looking around slowly, I quietly answered, "I'm not sure. The hospital?"

Letting my gaze drift off to one side, my eyes connected with Lena's. "Hi," I whispered.

"Hi," she answered. "Don't you ever do that to me again, okay? Don't ever scare me like that, ever again."

I nodded slowly, confused. "What happened?" I asked.

She shrugged solemnly. "I'm not sure. They said that you were very dehydrated when you came in, and that's probably why you passed out."

"Oh. How long was I…"

"It's been a couple of hours," Lena whispered. "The doctor said that your body was exhausted and trying to recuperate."

There was a knock on the door, and I pushed myself up slightly on the pillows as Tibby and Carmen slipped into my room. "Bee!" Tibby cried. "You're awake!"

"Yeah," I replied unenthusiastically.

"Girl," Carmen said, pulling a plastic chair up beside my bed and flopping into it, "you have got to take better care of yourself."

I traced a finger up my IV line, staring up at the bag that was pumping fluids into my body. "I'm getting that." Looking around the room, I asked nobody in particular, "When do I get to go home?"

The doctor came in behind Tibby. "Hi everybody," she said, raising an eyebrow at the sight of the entire group in my room. "I'm Doctor Shepard."

"Hi," I answered.

Carmen pulled her chair back away from the bed so that the doctor could come closer.

"First of all, Bridget, you and the baby are both fine," she said.

"Okay," I whispered.

Lena and Tibby were perched on the opposite side of the bed from the doctor, and Tibby reached out to push some of my hair out of my face so that I could see.

"You friends explained your situation to me in quite some detail while you were sleeping."

"Oh did they, now?" I retorted, craning my neck so that I could look at them.

"We had to, Bee," Lena responded first. "She needed to know what's going on."

"How bad has your morning sickness been?" Doctor Shepard asked gently.

"Pretty much…bad," I stated. "Not just in the morning, either. Lately, it's all the time. I can hardly keep anything down."

"But your stress level is very high too, correct?"

I nodded as I stared into my lap, unable to meet her eye.

"I think it might be beneficial for you to talk to someone. A therapist."

"No," I whispered, shaking off Lena's hand as she laid it on my arm. "I don't want to do that."

"I know that you don't," Doctor Shepard replied. "But it might be the best thing."

"You can't just give me a pill?" I snapped.

"We don't always like to treat this with medication," she returned. "If we can find another way that will work, that's usually considered the better choice. We don't like to expose the developing baby to any drugs that we can avoid."

"That makes sense, Bee," Lena said, draping her hand across my arm again. I didn't shrug her away this time. "If it makes you feel better, and it won't hurt the baby, isn't it…"

Lena's voice trailed off, and Tibby finished for her. "Isn't it worth a shot, Bee? Getting better?"

I sank back into the pillows. "I guess," I mumbled.

"Good," Doctor Shepard answered, a little too enthusiastically. "I'm glad we agree. I know several good therapists who are involved with this hospital that I can get you the names and numbers for if you'd like."

When I didn't answer, Lena said, "That would be a big help. Thank you."

As the doctor slipped out, I turned to my friends. "Why don't you guys go get something to eat? I just want to sleep for a while. Go get good food."

"Are you sure?" Carmen asked.

"You can leave me alone, guys, I won't break."

"Do you want anything?" Tibby offered, sliding off the bed.

"Nah. I think I'll stick with IV meals for a while."

Lena gave my hand a quick squeeze and the three of them disappeared out the door. I stared out the window for a long time, watching as the sky clouded over with impending rain. I started at a sudden knock on the door, and pushed myself up against the pillows again.

"You guys better not have brought me anything," I said as the door came open, "or I'll…" My voice trailed off as I took in the man before me.

"Hello, Bridget."

My head laid back against the pillow as I closed my eyes. "Hi…Dad."


	10. You Remind Me Of Her

My father dragged over one of the chairs that my friends had vacated and sank into it. "It's been a long time," he whispered.

I stared directly at him, praying silently that if I stared hard enough and long enough, he would fade into nothingness.

"Two years," he added.

"Why are you here?" I asked quietly.

"Your friends…I…I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he stammered nervously.

"Like you made sure Perry was okay?" I retorted.

"Bee…Bridget…"

"You don't even visit him," I snapped. "He's lucky if you even call him once a month. Two years, Dad, he's been there for two years. And you haven't seen him once. I had to be the one to see what you couldn't see, wouldn't see, and I did the best I could, but it wasn't enough. He wanted to die anyway." I leaned back against the pillows, exhausted after my sudden tirade.

"I'm sorry, Bridget," he said, reaching out to hold my hand. "You shouldn't have had to deal with any of this. I'm so sorry for everything that's happened."

"I know," I answered somewhat sullenly, my eyes closed. "This was just…"

"Don't hate your friends for calling me," he interrupted. "They were worried about you. This, on top of what happened with Perry, and your mother…I think they thought you needed your family here. They thought I should know."

_I'd rather have Greta than you. _I thought, biting my tongue to keep the words from coming to fruition. "I'm not going to try to kill myself, Dad, so you can go home now."

Pulling his hand away from mine, he settled back in his chair. "You and Perry are…very special to me. You know that. There are just some things…There are some things that I don't know how to handle well."

I kept my eyes jammed shut, struggling to keep my tears at bay.

"When Perry almost died…I thought a part of me was going to die too. It hurts me to look at him…and it hurts me to look at you. You remind me so much of her…"

I opened my eyes so that I could meet his. "I'm okay, Dad. I promise." It occurred to me then that he had only come to reassure himself that I was still there.

Standing up, he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Listen…I have to get back…"

"To work," I finished.

He nodded. "I just want you to know…if you need any help…anything…"

"Okay," I answered, nodding back.

Turning and taking a couple of steps back to the door, my father suddenly turned around, saying, "You really do remind me of her."

I closed my eyes without answering him.

"You remind me of her better parts. Her strength, before…" He left the rest of the thought unsaid. We both knew what he meant.

As he slipped out of the room, I curled up under the covers as best I could with the wires that were attached to me, and let the tears I had been hiding slip down my cheeks. My face was still buried in my pillow when I heard whispering at my door.

"Is she awake?"

I heard the crinkling of a paper bag as I rolled over to face the hopeful faces of my friends. "Hey," I croaked, deciding to leave out the minor detail of my father's visit.

"We brought you something," Carmen said, holding out a small paper bag with a sheepish look on her face. "If you're not feeling well, we can take it for when you come home tomorrow."

I gingerly took the bag from her and cracked open the top. Smiling, I pulled out the clear plastic bag and set it in my lap. "Gummy bears?"

"We thought…" Carmen started.

"…They might help?" Tibby finished.

"I love you guys," I whispered.

"We love you too, Bee," Lena said. "Tib and Carmen have morning stuff tomorrow, but I'm going to take off and stay here tonight so you're not by yourself."

I nodded without saying anything, hugging Tibby and Carmen as they said their goodbyes. I cracked open the bag of candy and slipped one into my mouth, testing out the flavor on my tongue as Lena slipped into the bed beside me. "How are you doing?" she asked.

I chewed the gummy bear into oblivion and swallowed before answered, "My dad was here."

"Oh," she replied, not pushing for any more answers.

After several minutes of silence, I swallowed another gummy bear and whispered, "I'm worried about having a baby, Lenny. I'm worried I won't be a good enough mom. I'm worried I'll…"

"You'll be okay, Bee. We're all going to be here to help you. You won't be alone. I'll be with you every step of the way, every sickness, every appointment, I'll be here."

"I wish things had been different," I said sleepily.

"With him?" she asked.

I nodded.

"I would kill him if I could. I hate him for what he did to you."

As my shoulders started shaking with the effort of again holding back tears, Lena slipped under me so that my head was resting on her shoulder.

"I'm worried about him coming back…" I sobbed quietly. "I'm scared of him now."

"It's okay for you to be scared, Bee. It's understandable."

"I wish things could be the way they used to be, back at soccer camp. I wish I wouldn't have screwed things up."

"It wasn't your fault, sweetie."

"Part of me knows that," I said, blinking away more tears. "But part of me can't get it out of my head."

I closed my eyes again, laying back against the pillows and letting myself drift back to sleep.


	11. I'm Not Hallucinating

I folded my legs underneath my body, wrapping myself in a blanket as I rested against the back of the couch. I gratefully accepted the cup of tea that Lena offered me before turning back to Detective Benson.

"I thought it would be better if I came in person," she said.

"Okay," I answered, tired enough that I didn't want to put a lot of effort into information gathering.

"My partner and I went for a drive and had a talk with Eric."

"What did he say?" Lena asked.

"Bridget…" the detective said. "Did anyone see you go into the room at the party? Can anyone corroborate your story?"

"Why?" I asked, shaking my head slightly. Biting my lip to keep from getting teary, I whispered, "Are you saying I'm lying?"

She shook her head vehemently. "No, not at all. It's just…with the information we have, we don't…There isn't enough information to prosecute him at this time."

"Oh," I answered softly, leaning forward to set the cup down on our coffee table. I was unsure of what else to say.

"Where does that leave us?" Lena asked. "Where does that leave Bee? What is she supposed to do now?"

"We will continue to do the best we can; interview more of the people you named who were at the party that night. But beyond that…"

Unable to contain myself anymore, I bent forward and buried my head in my hands to cover the tears.

Detective Benson laid a hand on my knee. "I will do the best I can for you, honey. I will be there for you. But if there's anything else you can give us, any other information…" her voice trailed off hopefully.

I shook my head tearfully, pushing the blanket off my shoulders. "I have…I have to go," I said, standing up. "I have to…I'm done with this for today."

I practically ran down the hallway into my room, folding myself into a ball with my hands on my stomach. Ignoring Lena's tapping on the door, I let myself drift off into nothingness.

OooooooooooooooO

I woke up the next morning, sinking my head into the pillow. My eyes still shut, I quickly realized that I had been awakened by the giggles of my friends. Cracking one eye open, I was greeted by the smiling faces of my friends at the foot of my bed.

"Good morning, sleepy," Carmen said teasingly.

"Hey," I croaked. "What time is it?"

"Time to get up," Lena said, pulling my blanket off. "We're going to have fun today."

I sat up carefully, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "What?"

"We're getting out of the house," Tibby clarified. "Or, more accurately, we're getting you out of the house. So get up and get dressed."

"Can I protest?" I mumbled, closing my eyes and leaning back against the headboard as I tried to tug the blanket back out.

"Nope," Lena said, snatching the blanket out of my hands. "Get up. We have lots to do."

OoooooooooooooooO

"This is 'lots to do'?" I asked, leaning back into the food court chair as I fiddled with the spoon in my ice cream.

"Serious business, ice cream eating," Carmen cracked.

I sighed, stirring through my strawberry ice cream soup.

"Come on, Bee…" Lena whispered, grabbing my hand to stop me from playing with my spoon. "We're going to have fun today."

Nodding mutely, I laid my spoon down on the table. Tibby and Carmen leaned together conspiratorially, whispering back and forth before standing up suddenly from the table. "We'll be back," Tibby said.

"We have…stuff," added Carmen, unable to contain her giggles.

"You are horrible liars," I replied to their departing backs.

Lena grabbed my hand and yanked me out of my chair, dragging me down the mall front.

"What are we doing?" I protested.

"Window shopping until…" she began. "Just window shopping," she amended.

We looked at the clothing on some of the mannequins for a while, pausing every few windows to admire something a little more stand out than most. "Too bad I can't buy any of this," I pointed out.

Shrugging, Lena answered, "Someday you can again. After."

"Uh huh,"

The last store at the end of the mall was a baby store. I stepped up close to the window, holding my hand centimeters from the glasses in front of beautifully finished baby crib.

"It's beautiful," Lena said.

"Yeah," I added wistfully. Staring into the glass, I could almost picture a baby in the crib. I found myself drifting mentally towards the future, envisioning myself beside the crib, reaching out to gently touch the side of my baby's face.

"Bee?" Lena asked gently.

"I can see myself with the baby," I whispered. "It's a scary thing."

She laid a hand softly on my shoulder. "I know."

As I watched in the glass, the future memory slowly began to break apart. In the last second of picturing myself with my baby, I could suddenly see Eric behind us. He was reaching out with a hand, as if to the touch the baby. "Eric?" I murmured.

"Bee, no…"

Pulling out from under Lena's hand, I spun around and plopped down on the nearest cheesy mall bench. I shook my head crazily, trying to rid myself of the persistent images.

"Are you okay?"

I shook my head slightly. "Too much stimulation, I think. Can we go home soon? I think I should go home."

Eyeing me closely, she pulled out her cell phone. "Sure. Let me call Tibs and Carma."

I nodded, letting my gaze wander away from where we were sitting. Down the length of the mall, if I looked closely enough, I could almost see…

"Lena," I whispered, pulling at her arm.

Flipping her cell phone closed, Lena's eyes followed my gaze. "What's up?" she asked, her brow folding into a frown.

"I swear, Lenny, I'm not hallucinating." I pointed down the length of the mall, back towards the food court, where Eric was sitting at a table with another girl.

Lena must have recognized him instantaneously. She shot to her feet, jumping in front of me protectively before Eric could look up and catch a glimpse of me. "Come on, Bee. Lets get out of here, okay?"


	12. We Need To Talk

"So this is how it's always going to be, isn't it?" I asked angrily as Lena and I sat in the car, waiting for our friends. "This is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life?"

"Bee…" Lena replied uncertainly.

"I'm going to have this baby, and I'm going to be watching over my shoulder for the rest of my life."

"There has to be something we can do," Lena insisted. "I mean, it's not fair that he just gets to walk around like this, just…" She shook her head in frustration. After several minutes of silence, she turned to me and said, "The point of today was to get you out for some fun, Bee, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean…"  
"It's okay," I mumbled, buckling my seatbelt as Tibby and Carmen slipped into the backseat with their bags. At the crestfallen look on Lena's face, I added, "We can have fun somewhere else. At home, or something."

OooooooooooooooooO

Lena, Carmen, Tibby and I sat in a circle on our living room floor, the traveling pants in the middle. I munched slowly on my gummy bears as Carmen produced a shopping bag from behind her back.

"As if I didn't know that was there," I joked, trying to force myself into light heartedness for the sake of my friends. They were trying so hard that it made me want to try too.

"We got you something," Carmen stated the obvious, shoving the bag at me.

"A couple of somethings," Tibby corrected.

I took the bag from Carmen, pulling at the tissue paper that was sticking out the top so that I could peer down into it's depths.

"Open it already!" Carmen insisted.

Pulling out one of the packages, I tore off the excess tissue paper and removed a tiny pair of pants. "Okay…" I whispered. "Whose idea was this?" I held them up, marveling at the fact they didn't even reach from palm to elbow on my arm. "They're so tiny."

"We just thought it would be sort of…neat," Lena said.

"Guys…I…I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I'm going to do yet, I…I'm so confused…"

My friends were silent, waiting for me to straighten out what I wanted to say.

"I want to…at least I think I want to…keep the baby. Keep…her."

"You think it's a girl?" Tibby asked.

"I know it is. I feel so close to her already, I just…I'm really scared that I'm going to blow this, and I feel like maybe the best thing would be…"

"I told you before, Bee, that we'll be here for you no matter what you decide," Lena said. "And I'll keep telling you that, as many times as it…"

"I'm afraid I won't be a good mom," I interrupted.

"Oh, Bee," my friends seemed to say all at once.

Clutching the tiny pair of pants in my hand, I laid them across my only slightly enlarged belly. "What do you think?" I asked the baby, knowing that there wouldn't be any answer in return.

"I think she'll like them," Carmen replied. "Of course she will. She's one of us."

I nodded, folding the pants in my lap as I pulled the next package out of the box and ripped the tissue paper off. "A book of baby names. A book of girl baby names?" I raised my eyebrow, glancing at each of my friends.

Tibby shrugged. "It has to be a girl to wear the pants, right?"

I laughed placing the book on top of the pants and setting them both to the side. "I love you guys. Have I told you that lately?"

Lena reached over to squeeze my hand.

"I'm going to go grab a soda," I said. "Anybody want anything?"

I got to my feet just as the doorbell rang, and I automatically ducked into the hallway to answer it. Pulling the door open, I looked up to glance our visitor. At the sight of him, the smile literally fell off of my face.

"Bee?" Tibby called from the living room, out of sight. "Who is it?"

I tried to shut the door, but Eric put a hand out to stop me. "Bee. We need to talk."


	13. What If That's Not Enough?

My head spun at the sight of Eric's face, and I struggled to force words out of my mouth.

"Bee?" Tibby called again. "Are you okay?"

They were just around the corner, my friends, and I open and shut my mouth over and over attempting to call out to them. My lips couldn't seem to form the words.

"What are you telling them, Bee?" Eric whispered hoarsely. I hadn't realized he was gripping my wrist until he tightened down to the point where my fingers started to go numb. "What did you say?"

I struggled to pull my arm away, but he wouldn't let go, and my struggles only drew him closer. "Tib…" I croaked, so soft that it was hardly even audible.

"Shut up," he hissed, hauling me by the arm so that I was halfway outside the door.

In sheer desperation, I reached behind me and clawed at the doorframe, managing to stop myself before Eric could have me all the way outside. I fought myself to make any sound at all, but nothing would come out. Eric gave my arm another yank, and I pulled back as hard as I could. My head banged against the side of the door and I slumped towards the ground. The silence was abruptly broken as I began to sob.

"What the hell?" Lena yelled as she came around the corner and rushed to my side.

Eric pulled away from me as quickly as if he'd been burned. "I…"

"Get away from her!" Lena yelled, shoving Eric backwards as she knelt beside me and drew me into her arms. "Tibby, Carma, call the police!"

Tibby came around the corner as Eric turned around and fled out the door. "What happened?" she cried, dropping to the ground beside Lena.

"I don't know," Lena answered, shaking her head. "I heard a noise, I came out here, and I found Eric with his hands out and Bee on the ground."

"Bee, are you okay?" Tibby whispered.

I nodded, wiping the tears off my cheeks as I pulled away from Lena, struggling to catch my breath. "I'm okay."

She and Lena helped me to my feet and into the living room, where they placed me on the couch. Carmen was just hanging up the phone. "I called the police," she said. "There's a squad car on the way, and they will get in touch with Detective Benson too."

Lena disappeared into the kitchen and came back a moment later with a damp towel.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, pulling away as she dabbed the cloth at my temple.

She pulled me back, holding the towel to my head again. "Bee, you're bleeding," she said gently. "Let me get it."

I put my hand up to my head and came away with blood on my fingers. I hadn't even realized that I was injured. Carman got up to answer a knock on the door, and came back into the room with two uniformed police officers.

The officer with the pad of paper pulled out a pen and asked, "Can you tell us what happened?"

"I want to talk to Detective Benson," I answered. "Can you find her?"

"We just need to take a statement now for the record, our dispatch did notify Detective Benson, and she's on her way." He knelt down in front of me and put his pen the paper again. "Now, can you tell me what happened here?"

I shook my head, closing my eyes as my hands shook slightly at his proximity. Tibby scooped up one of my hands and addressed the police officer, "You're too close to her," she said, knowing the problem without my even having to say it. "Could you please back up, and just let her talk to Detective Benson when she gets here?"

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, closing his pad of paper. As he backed away, Carmen let Detective Benson in the front door.

"Hi, Bridget," she said, coming into the living room.

"Hi," I replied.

"What happened?"

I shrugged, letting my head rest against the back of the sofa. "I opened the door, and he was there. He said we needed to talk, and he grabbed my arm." I held my arm out to her letting the sleeve fall back so that she could see the bruises.

Steadying my arm with one hand, she pulled a camera out of her pocket with the other and snapped a couple of pictures. As I put my hand back in my lap, she also took a couple of pictures of the side of my head. "Did he say anything else to you?"

"Not really. He just told me to shut up when I tried to call out to my friends. That was when he tried to pull me out the door and I hit my head."

"Did he have a weapon?"

"Not that I saw."

Making a couple of notes on her own pad, Detective Benson sat back on her heels and said, "We have enough to pick him up for tonight. We can most definitely charge him with assault."

Lena rubbed my shoulder supportively.

"It's not enough…" I whispered, my hand rested across my stomach. "He's always going to be around, isn't he? There not really anything that you can do to change that."

"I wish I could say that I could fix it," Detective Benson said gently, "but I don't know that for sure. All I can guarantee is that I will do the best that I can for you."  
"But what if that's not enough?" Lena asked.

I looked away, letting my gaze drift off into my lap.


	14. Tangled

"Bee? Are you awake?"

I rolled over at the gentle touch of ice against my temple. "Hey," I whispered. "That's cold."

Lena pulled the ice pack away. "Sorry. I was just worried about you."

"I'm okay." I pushed myself up so I was sitting against the headboard.

"Really?" she questioned, holding my gaze for a little longer than I was comfortable with.

Looking down, I fiddled with the sheets that were entwined around my middle. "You know me too well, Lenny."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, sitting down on the bed.

I pulled up the edge of the sheet so that she could slip in next to me. After a few minutes of silence, I answered, "I'm going to have a baby in, like...six months. And it scares me."

"You know I think you can do it, Bee. We all do."

"It isn't that. It's just that he's out there...you know?" Once I started, the words just tumbled out of me. "He's out there and I feel like he's never going to go away. It feels like he's down every hall, around every corner, behind every door...like I will always have to look."

"Oh, Bee..."

"And if I have this baby," I continued, "I don't know how to protect it. I don't know how to keep it safe. I don't know how to keep me safe, when he's everywhere. I think about him, what he did...I can feel him touching me when he isn't even there, and it just makes me feel sick inside. I don't want him to ever lay a hand on this baby. I don't even want him to know about it. I just..."

Lena reached out and squeezed my hand.

"And...what am I supposed to tell this baby about how it came to be? How do I explain that?" I didn't realize I was crying until the tears splashed onto my lap.

"Bee," Lena whispered. "Do...do you want my opinion?"

I nodded, swiping at the tears that trailed down my cheeks.

"I think that all that's important is that you love this baby. I think that love is the most important thing. No matter how this baby came to be, I feel that love is enough to counter that. And I feel like you, more than anyone, will know how to love this baby. You know more about love than anyone I know, Bee. You are generous, and kind. You can give this baby the things you missed with your mom. You can and will be a fantastic mother, Bee, and you will do the best you can. And that's enough. Your love is enough, Bee. It's all you can do." Her voice trailed off as she wiped away tears of her own.

"Do you really think so?"

"I really do."

OoooooooooooooooooO

"Ssh, Bee, it's just me." He turned me to him and raised a finger to my lips as a scream built in my throat. "Don't say a word."

The room swayed as my body adjusted to the alcohol I'd consumed. When he pressed on my shoulder to push me to the bed, I tried to push him off, but I was too dizzy and found myself on my back. "No," I whispered. "Don't."

He straddled my body, holding me down with one hand, while taking a drink with the other. After setting the drink on the dresser, he leaned in close. His breath smelled like beer. And garlic. Almost all of his weight rested on top of me, and I tried to force him off as he caressed my hair. I couldn't move. "Get off of me," I whispered, but I wasn't even sure that the words actually came out of my mouth. "No, stop."

His tongue found it's way into my mouth, forcing it open to him even as I tried to clench it shut. I started to cry, and he slapped me so fast that I didn't have time to move my head. "Shut up," he hissed. "Don't say a word, don't scream, nothing. Do you understand?" He pulled a knife out of his pants pocket and held it to my throat. I was afraid to answer.

It was getting harder and harder to breathe as his hand found it's way down my pants, undoing the snap. "Don't move," he said, sitting up to remove his belt and slide off his own pants.

He pushed my shirt up and caressed my stomach with the knife. I open my mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

"Don't move!" he cried again as I wiggled underneath him. "It won't hurt as much if you don't move."

My pants were down around my ankles, almost binding my legs together. I twisted my head away, trying to pull away from him. My head slammed into the floor and everything went black.

OooooooooooooooO

I woke up with a start, jerking upright as I struggled to catch my breath. The sheets were tangled down around my legs. Sweat streamed from my forehead, and my heart pounded in my ears with every tortured breath. It took several seconds before I realized I had awakened to my cell phone ringing.

"Hello?" I asked, my voice raspy I struggled to breathe in and out.

"Bridget? This is Detective Benson."

I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. It was nearly five in the morning. "Hi?" I answered, confused.

"Can you come down to the station?"

"Wh-what?" I stammered.

"Can you come down to the station? There's something that we need to discuss right away."

I nodded, and realizing she couldn't see me nod over the phone, answered, "Okay."

I said goodbye and hung up the phone, reaching under the bed to grab my shoes. I decided not to wake anyone else up. If I was getting called to the station at five in the morning, it couldn't be for anything good.


End file.
